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Many museums charge for admission while others are free. Do you think the advantages of charging people for admission to museums outweigh the disadvantages? v.10

Many museums charge for admission while others are free. Do you think the advantages of charging people for admission to museums outweigh the disadvantages? v. 10
while most of the museums have imposed entry fees for the tourists, few of them still offers free entry. Although charging the entry fee would cause the benefits of excellent maintenance of such facilities, it would badly hurt the overall economy and hence I firmly believe that advantages of putting a price on museum entry do not outweigh its disadvantages. The obvious positive development of implementing the entrance fee is effective maintenance of such valuable facilities. As it is critical to take care of these public properties with limitations of funds. In this case, charging the entrance fee would generate funds so that these museums can finance themselves for proper look after. For instance, as per survey conducted by a traveling website, The Central Museum in London with paid entry is top rated against those where entry is free. The major drawback of this practice would be in the form of a substantial economic loss to the country because it would limit the number of visitors. Such admission fees to the iconic places like museums discourages people to visit those places and hence the local business would suffers and ultimately would effect the overall economy. For example, the number of tourists reduced by 65% when Lahore fort museum applied tickets to the entrance. For this reason, admission fee is for sure causing more harm than any good. To conclude, in contrast to some paid entrance to the museums, others offer pay less entry. Despite apparent advantages of this phenomenon such as better care, I am clearly in the favor of the idea that they cannot outweigh the negative effects like financial loss to the local market.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
while
most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
have imposed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entry
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fees
for the tourists, few of them
still
offers free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entry
. Although charging the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entry
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fee
would cause the benefits of excellent maintenance of such facilities, it would
badly
hurt the
overall
economy and
hence
I
firmly
believe that advantages of putting a price on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museum
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entry
do not outweigh its disadvantages.

The obvious
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development of implementing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entrance
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fee
is effective maintenance of such valuable facilities.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
it is critical to take care of these public properties with limitations of funds.
In this case
, charging the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entrance
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fee
would generate funds
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
can finance themselves for proper look after.
For instance
, as per survey conducted by a traveling website, The Central
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Museum
in London with paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entry
is top rated against those where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entry
is free.

The major drawback of this practice would be in the form of a substantial economic loss to the country
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it would limit the number of visitors. Such admission
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fees
to the iconic places like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
discourages
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to visit those places and
hence
the local business would
The verb 'would' requires the base form of the verb: "suffer"
suffers
and
ultimately
would
Did you mean "affect"?
effect
the
overall
economy.
For example
, the number of tourists
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
by 65% when Lahore fort
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museum
applied tickets to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entrance
.
For this reason
, admission
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fee
is for sure causing more harm than any
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
.

To conclude
,
in contrast
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entrance
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
, others offer pay less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
entry
. Despite apparent advantages of this phenomenon such as better care, I am
clearly
in the favor of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that they cannot outweigh the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects like financial loss to the local market.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
24Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
Language comes first. It’s not that language grows out of consciousness, if you haven’t got language, you can’t be conscious.
Alan Moore

IELTS essay Many museums charge for admission while others are free. Do you think the advantages of charging people for admission to museums outweigh the disadvantages? v. 10

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
276 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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