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Individual becomes richer in developed and developing countries. However they are not happy as there were in a past. Why is this? What should be learned?

Individual becomes richer in developed and developing countries. However they are not happy as there were in a past. Why is this? What should be learned? wOg0m
In this rapid-paced era, individuals, who stay in developed and developing countries. They become richer due to the fact of monetary growth; nevertheless, sectors still do not enjoy their life as they were in the past in developed countries. In this essay, causes and the lesson, which can be learned shall be discussed in the forthcoming paragraphs previously reaching a reasoned conclusion. There seem to be two main reasons stemming from this situation. Firstly, and perhaps, it is necessary to occupy abundant time on work place so that they can earn a plethora of money, which means a tiny amount of hours spend with family. Moreover, cases of divorce and break down in relation among family members have been rising in recent times. Additionally, they hardly spend time for other ventures such as gathering, social events. People, for instance, can not participate as they may become introverted. Consequently, they will lose connection in the community and feel alone. Furthermore, several humans may suffer from anxiety and depression, although bank accounts are flooded with creadits. Gist of the paragraph is: It is not essential that people, who have a plenty of credits that is happy with life. As far as the eventualities of making money are concerned, we can not neglect our happiness. Research has proved that if humans earn more, they will be less happy with life than people, who have fewer funds. Meanwhile, it is worth discussing that every human have occupied their time with a partner rather than sitting in front of computer screen. To make it succinct, it is irrefutable fact that "we can not bring happiness with money". In conclusion, in this day and age, it is extremely rude in order to earn sufficient credits to provide all ease to family members, while humans should not have to sacrifice their family bonding and enjoyment. Otherwise, detrimental brunt has been seen.
In this rapid-paced era, individuals, who stay in developed and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
. They become richer due to the fact of monetary growth;
nevertheless
, sectors
still
do not enjoy their life as they were in the past in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
. In this essay, causes and the lesson, which can
be learned
shall
be discussed
in the forthcoming paragraphs previously reaching a reasoned conclusion.

There seem to be two main reasons stemming from this situation.
Firstly
, and perhaps, it is necessary to occupy abundant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on work place
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can earn a plethora of money, which means a tiny amount of hours
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "spends"? (Some collective nouns can be treated as both singular and plural, so 'spend' is not always incorrect.)
spend
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
.
Moreover
, cases of divorce and break down in relation among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members have been rising in recent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
.
Additionally
, they hardly spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for other ventures such as gathering, social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
,
for instance
, can not participate as they may become introverted.
Consequently
, they will lose connection in the community and feel alone.
Furthermore
, several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
humans
may suffer from anxiety and depression, although bank accounts
are flooded
with
Possible spelling mistake found.
creadits
. Gist of the paragraph is: It is not essential that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, who have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of credits
that is
happy with life.

As far as the eventualities of making money
are concerned
, we can not neglect our happiness. Research has proved that if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
humans
earn more, they will be less happy with life than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, who have fewer funds.

Meanwhile, it is worth discussing that every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
have occupied their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with a partner
rather
than sitting in front of computer screen. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
it succinct, it is irrefutable fact that
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
we can not bring happiness with money
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
.

In conclusion
, in this day and age, it is
extremely
rude in order to earn sufficient credits to provide all
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ease
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
humans
should not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
sacrifice their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
bonding and enjoyment.
Otherwise
, detrimental brunt has been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
.
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IELTS essay Individual becomes richer in developed and developing countries. However they are not happy as there were in a past. Why is this? What should be learned?

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
314 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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