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In some countries, children are expected to study long hours in and after schooland have little free time.Describe the positive and negative effects of this.

In some countries, children are expected to study long hours in and after schooland have little free time. Describe the positive and negative effects of this. BJWQ5
There are schools in some countries which hold their students for long hours before and after usual schooling time. Consequently, students have lost their precious leisure time which they otherwise could have used to develop broader social relationships for their future success. To begin with, students who spend most of their valuable time inside schools only for academic purpose probably would deprive of social relations which is very vital for the personality development and career success as they hardly get time to attend many social and community activities such as sports, discussion groups, festival celebrations and community events. Most importantly, there is a likelihood of burn-out, boredom and rebellion against their parents and teachers. Moreover, excellent academic achievement is not the only prime factor to reach the pinnacle of success. Other factors, such as ability to work well within a team, negotiation abilities, emotional intelligence and mentoring capacities are equally important for attaining career success. These all qualities can only be achieved by actively engaging many outdoor social and educational activities. After all, most children desire for enjoying their life by playing with their friends whether it is in backyard of their house or on the street. In contrast, students can achieve excellent academic scores by long hours of hard study within school and therefore they would get high degree of freedom while choosing universities and courses offered by them. In addition, excellent transcripts and aptitude skills are the decisive factors while students apply for the bigger multinational firms. Also, students who spent most of time inside schools concentrate on their goals and get qualified on music, languages and other skills. Therefore, laborious study will open the door for the future success. In conclusion, I believe that there needs to be a balance between time spent in study and free time. Academic achievement may offer greater freedom in terms of initial university and employment application choices but it does not necessarily create a happy person or one who will be ultimately successful.
There are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries which hold their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
for long hours
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
and after usual schooling
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
Consequently
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
have lost their precious leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
which they
otherwise
could have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to develop broader
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
relationships for their future success.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who spend most of their valuable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
inside
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
purpose
probably
would deprive of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
relations which is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
vital for the personality development and career success as they hardly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to attend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
and community activities such as sports, discussion groups, festival celebrations and community
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
. Most
importantly
, there is a likelihood of burn-out, boredom and rebellion against their parents and teachers.
Moreover
, excellent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
achievement is not the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
prime factor to reach the pinnacle of success. Other factors, such as ability to work well within a team, negotiation abilities, emotional intelligence and mentoring capacities are
equally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for attaining career success. These all qualities can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
be achieved
by
actively
engaging
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
outdoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
and educational activities.
After all
, most children desire for enjoying their life by playing with their friends whether it is in backyard of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
or on the street.

In contrast
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can achieve excellent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
scores by long hours of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
study within
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
and
therefore
they would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
high degree of freedom while choosing universities and courses offered by them.
In addition
, excellent transcripts and aptitude
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
are the decisive factors while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
apply for the bigger multinational firms.
Also
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who spent most of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
inside
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
concentrate on their goals and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
qualified on music, languages and other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
Therefore
, laborious study will open the door for the future success.

In conclusion
, I believe that there needs to be a balance between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
spent in study and free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Academic
achievement may offer greater freedom in terms of initial university and employment application choices
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it does not
necessarily
create a happy person or one who will be
ultimately
successful.
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IELTS essay In some countries, children are expected to study long hours in and after schooland have little free time. Describe the positive and negative effects of this.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
332 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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