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In many countries art galleries visitors have been declining steadily. What are the possible reasons? How to change this trend?

In many countries art galleries visitors have been declining steadily. What are the possible reasons? How to change this trend? PVLXj
In today’s modern world, it is obvious that there are several art galleries around the world. However, it seems that the number of art visitors appears to be decreasing day by day. There are a couple of reasons behind this issue some of which are people might not have enough time for visiting the galleries and the second is the high cost of entries. We can consider two appropriate ways to solve this problem allocating a lot more money to artists and offering them free admission. First of all, many people are of the opinion that they have to work for many hours in order to meet their needs. It is a well-known fact that working people are likely to be tired at that end of the workday and even they probably opt to stay at home and spend their time with families on the weekends. On the other hand, ıf they decide to visit any art galleries, they encounter with the inconvenient price of tickets to enter these places. Secondly, governments should take some serious steps to attract public interests in the arts. Moreover, it makes sense to give more money to artists so as to improve their abilities. As the number of skilled artists increases, the quality of art increases as well. Another feasible way to persuade individuals to visit the galleries is that the government should reduce the entrance fee for everybody. To conclude, people do not have enough time to visit exhibitions and they have to pay for them. Additionally, the artists should be funded by the government and tickets should be free to all.
In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s modern world, it is obvious that there are several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
galleries
around the world.
However
, it seems that the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
visitors appears to be decreasing day by day. There are a couple of reasons behind this issue
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of which are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
might not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
time for visiting the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
galleries
and the second is the high cost of entries. We can consider two appropriate ways to solve this problem allocating a lot more money to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
and offering them free admission.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are of the opinion that they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
work for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
hours in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
their needs.
It is a well-known fact that
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are likely to
be tired
at that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the workday and even they
probably
opt to stay at home and spend their time with families on the weekends.
On the other hand
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
ıf
they decide to visit any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
galleries
, they encounter with the inconvenient price of tickets to enter these places.

Secondly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
should take
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
serious steps to attract public interests in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
.
Moreover
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
sense to give more money to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their abilities. As the number of skilled
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
increases, the quality of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
increases
as well
. Another feasible way to persuade individuals to visit the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
galleries
is that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the entrance fee for everybody.

To conclude
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
time to visit
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
exhibitions and
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
pay for them.
Additionally
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
should
be funded
by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
and tickets should be free to all.
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IELTS essay In many countries art galleries visitors have been declining steadily. What are the possible reasons? How to change this trend?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
269 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
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