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Hospital statistics regarding people who go to the emergency room after roller-skating accidents indicate the need for more protective equipment. Within this group of people, 75 percent of those who had accidents in streets or parking lots were not weari

Hospital statistics regarding people who go to the emergency room after roller-skating accidents indicate the need for more protective equipment. Within this group of people, 75 percent of those who had accidents in streets or parking lots were not weari PVXEd
In this memo, the author claims that roller skaters have to wear protective clothing or any light-reflecting material in order to reduce their risk of severely injuries in an accident. To support this recommendation, the author cites the hospital statistics among people who visit the emergency room after roller-skating accidents, which indicate those great portion of accident victims (75 percent, in specific) without protective materials. Careful scrutiny reveals that this recommendation relies on several problematic assumptions that render it dubious. Basically, the author hastily assumes that the usefulness or effectiveness of those protective equipment in reducing severe injuries can be judged by relative percentage from the hospital statistics between the non-wearers and the wearers. However, the visitors of the emergency room may not have a vital role in verifying the usefulness or effectiveness of those protective equipment in accidents. If the author cannot provide more specific information that reveals the impact of wearing the equipment to the skaters skating accident, this recommendation is controversial. Similarly, this recommendation is still untenable in that it assumes that the visitors of the emergency room had to be injured severely in the accidents. It might be the case, however, there is no evidence to prove the severity of injuries of them. Perhaps most injuries of them might be classified not “severe injuries” but simple causes. Further, they also might visited because of other reasons unrelated to the accidents. If this is true, this recommendation might loses its ground. Finally, this recommendation also relies on another assumption that the 75 percent in the statistics reveals that skaters should avoid “severe injuries” by simply wearing the protective equipment. However, it is possible that most of skaters in the region usually do not tend to wear the equipment, thus another group of the skaters (25 percent) did not only injured severely without the protective materials. Without ruling out this possibility, we cannot evaluate this recommendation properly. To sum, this recommendation is poorly substantiated, thus fragile as it stands. To make it tenable, the author should provide more specific information about the effectiveness of the equipment in skating accidents and about what portion of the visitors of the emergency room who injured severely. To eliminate our confusions, we need to know that the trend of the skaters in the region whether they usually wear the protective equipment.
In this memo, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
author
claims that roller skaters
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
wear
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
protective
clothing or any light-reflecting material in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
severely
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
injuries
in an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
accident
. To support this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
recommendation
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
author
cites the hospital statistics among
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who visit the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
emergency
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
room
after roller-skating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
accidents
, which indicate those great portion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
accident
victims (75 percent, in specific) without
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
protective
materials. Careful scrutiny reveals that this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
recommendation
relies on several problematic assumptions that render it dubious.

Basically
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
author
hastily
assumes that the usefulness or effectiveness of those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
protective
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
equipment
in reducing severe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
injuries
can
be judged
by relative percentage from the hospital statistics between the non-wearers and the wearers.
However
, the visitors of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
emergency
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
room
may not have a vital role in verifying the usefulness or effectiveness of those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
protective
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
equipment
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
accidents
. If the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
author
cannot provide more specific information that reveals the impact of wearing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
equipment
to the skaters skating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
accident
, this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
recommendation
is controversial.

Similarly
, this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
recommendation
is
still
untenable in that it assumes that the visitors of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
emergency
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
room
had to
be injured
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
severely
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
accidents
. It
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
be the case,
however
, there is no evidence to prove the severity of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
injuries
of them. Perhaps most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
injuries
of them
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
be classified
not “severe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
injuries”
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
simple causes.
Further
, they
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
visited
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of other reasons unrelated to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
accidents
. If this is true, this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
recommendation
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
loses its ground.

Finally
, this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
recommendation
also
relies on another assumption that the 75 percent in the statistics reveals that skaters should avoid “severe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
injuries”
by
simply
wearing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
protective
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
equipment
.
However
, it is possible that
After 'most of', you should use 'the' ("most of the skaters") or simply say "most skaters".
most of skaters
in the region
usually
do not tend to wear the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
equipment
,
thus
another group of the skaters (25 percent) did not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
The verb 'did' requires base form of the verb: "injure"
injured
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
severely
without the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
protective
materials. Without ruling out this possibility, we cannot evaluate this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
recommendation
properly
.

To sum, this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
recommendation
is
poorly
substantiated,
thus
fragile as it stands. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
it tenable, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
author
should provide more specific information about the effectiveness of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
equipment
in skating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
accidents
and about what portion of the visitors of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
emergency
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
room
who injured
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
severely
.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
To
eliminate our confusions, we need to know that the trend of the skaters in the region whether they
usually
wear the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
protective
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
equipment
.
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IELTS essay Hospital statistics regarding people who go to the emergency room after roller-skating accidents indicate the need for more protective equipment. Within this group of people, 75 percent of those who had accidents in streets or parking lots were not weari

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
389 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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