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Art is considered as an important part of society as well as an expression of its culture. Do you think it is important for children to be taught art? Do you think children should be encouraged to focus on art rather than other subjects?

Art is considered as an important part of society as well as an expression of its culture. Do you think it is important for children to be taught art? Do you think children should be encouraged to focus on art rather than other subjects? yXX3D
In this everchanging world, all the people looking for their dream job in a big and popular organization. However, a section of individuals works for the same company in their entire life, while others believe that work for the various organizations is the more beneficial. I agree with the latter statement, and this essay will discuss both standpoints in subsequent paragraphs. To begin with, the first and foremost reason for work in a single organization is that employees can get familiar with the strategies and operation of the company, thus there are more chances to reach a higher position in that company. For example, my uncle has been working in the Reliance for almost 18 years, he started as a worker but now he is in charge of the manufacturing unit. Moreover, after working for the same company for 3 to 4 years, employees do not find any type of difficulties in their work and they feel safe about their career. On the other hand, some people believe in exploring more themself and they are curious to about know the different companies and they would like to take risk. The second reason could be that some individuals want to establish their own startups, and for getting more experience they joined plenty of organizations. For example, Brian Acton first worked in yahoo, and then he worked for Facebook, after got rejected from Microsoft he invented the world's most popular massanger app called "WhatsApp". To conclude, It is true that if you wanted to be in the safe zone then it is ok to work for the same organization, but I believe that if you experienced more and able to take the risk then maybe you will become a great business in the future.
In this
Possible spelling mistake found.
everchanging
world, all the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
looking for their dream job in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
and popular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
organization
.
However
, a section of individuals works for the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
in their entire life, while others believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for the various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
organizations
is the more beneficial. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the latter statement, and this essay will discuss both standpoints in subsequent paragraphs.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the
first
and foremost reason for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in a single
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
organization
is that employees can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
familiar with the strategies and operation of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
,
thus
there are more chances to reach a higher position in that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
.
For example
, my uncle has been working in the Reliance for almost 18 years, he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
as a worker
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
he is in charge of the manufacturing unit.
Moreover
, after working for the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
for 3 to 4 years, employees do not find any type of difficulties in their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
work and
they feel safe about their career.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe in exploring more
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
themself and
they are curious to about know the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
companies and
they would like to take
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
. The second reason could be that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
individuals want to establish their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
startups, and for getting more experience they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
joined
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
organizations
.
For example
, Brian Acton
first
worked
The usual collocation for "yahoo" is "on". Did you mean "on yahoo"?
in yahoo
, and then he worked for Facebook, after
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
rejected from Microsoft he invented the world's most popular
Possible spelling mistake found.
massanger
app called
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
WhatsApp
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
.

To conclude
, It is true that if you wanted to be in the safe zone then it is ok to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
organization
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I believe that if you experienced more and able to take the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
then maybe you will become a great business in the future.
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IELTS essay Art is considered as an important part of society as well as an expression of its culture. Do you think it is important for children to be taught art? Do you think children should be encouraged to focus on art rather than other subjects?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
292 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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