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Among internet, radio, TV and newspaper, which has the greatest effect on the social activity of people? Give reason

From the last 5 or 6 decade, with the advancement of technology multimedia influencers also flourish in their field. Communal activity of folks had been affected by the cyber space, radio, TV along with newspaper. The upcoming paragraphs will discuss about the impact of aforementioned equipments. Firstly, world wide web plays a crucial role in the life of civilians because nowadays every sort of information is available on the internet and pupils can use these services on gadgets such as mobiles, computers and many others. While the main disadvantage of the internet is that it can not be used by the financial weak students because of high price of gadgets. Along with only those pupils can access the cyberspace who has some knowledge about this. Secondly, radio was widely used in the ancient times because of its features, cost and many more. The solely disadvantage of this is that radio does not show us the image of the person who is talking on the other side. Television is the upgrade version of radio the reason is that it comes with screen that shows people different types of stuffs for every age group. Thirdly, newspaper are the greatest source of news for the citizens reasonbeing the news provide in the newspaper are accurate, easy to study and news availability in their familiar language. Moreover, easy availability, recycled paper used in the manufacture of newspaper and many other factors play an important role in the widely used of newspaper. In a nutshell, newspaper, radio, television along with internet plays an crucial role in the social activity of folks in the respective manner yet I believe cyberspace has the greatest impact on civilians.
From the last 5 or 6 decade, with the advancement of technology multimedia influencers
also
flourish in their field. Communal activity of folks had been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by the
The word “cyberspace” is spelled as one.
cyber space
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
radio
, TV along with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
newspaper
. The upcoming paragraphs will
Did you mean simply “discuss the”? You do not need the word “about” here.
discuss about the
impact of aforementioned equipments.

Firstly
,
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
world wide web
plays a crucial role in the life of civilians
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
nowadays every sort of information is available on the internet and pupils can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
these services on gadgets such as mobiles, computers and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
others.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
the main disadvantage of the internet is that it can not be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
by the financial weak students
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of high price of gadgets. Along with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
those pupils can access the cyberspace who has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
knowledge about this.

Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
radio
was
widely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in the ancient times
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of its features, cost and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
more. The
You used an adverb (‘solely’) instead of an adjective, or a noun (‘disadvantage’) instead of another adjective.
solely disadvantage
of this is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
radio
does not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
us the image of the person who is talking on the other side. Television is the upgrade version of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
radio
the reason is that it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
with screen that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
types of stuffs for every age group.

Thirdly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
newspaper
are the greatest source of news for the citizens
Possible spelling mistake found.
reasonbeing
the news provide in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
newspaper
are accurate, easy to study and news availability in their familiar language.
Moreover
, easy availability, recycled paper
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in the manufacture of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
newspaper
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other factors play an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in the
widely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
of newspaper.

In a nutshell,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
newspaper
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
radio
, television along with internet plays
Use “a” instead of ‘an’ if the following word doesn’t start with a vowel sound, e.g. ‘a sentence’, ‘a university’.
an
crucial role in the social activity of folks in the respective manner
yet
I believe cyberspace has the greatest impact on civilians.

IELTS essay Among internet, radio, TV and newspaper, which has the greatest effect on the social activity of people? Give reason

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
280 words
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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