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14. 09. 2017 Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion v.1

14. 09. 2017 Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this. 1
It is true that some individuals are more studious and workaholic in comparison with other members in society. Although it can be beneficial for them in reaching their goals, I think that it can affect people’s health and social life adversely. There are several reasons behind some people’s being hardworking and one of them is for having better living conditions. Some employees work extra shifts in order to earn more money. They believe that with the extra income earned, they can buy comforts for themselves and their families. In addition, most newly employed workers tend to work for long hours than others to reach the target which is set by their employers in order to secure their job. They are worried that if they fail to reach their goal, they can be replaced by more competent people. Along with positive sides, there are also negative aspects of working hard. First of all, extensive working hours can lead to stress and fatigue. As a result of this, people’s work performance drop and it has a huge effect on their way to success. For example, after a long working day almost no one is interested in continuing to work at home, because everyone needs a rest. Furthermore, due to overload of work and odd working hours, people do not give time to their family. Consequently, arguments may arise between partners in creating trouble in their relationship. To summarize, it is evident that hard work allows people to achieve their career goals and earn more money. However, in my opinion, working hard, neglecting one's health and family is never a risk worth taking.
It is true that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
individuals are more studious and workaholic
in comparison
with other members in society. Although it can be beneficial for them in reaching their goals, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it can affect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
health and social life
adversely
.

There are several reasons behind
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
being hardworking and one of them is for having better living conditions.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
employees
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
extra shifts in order to earn more money. They believe that with the extra income earned, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
comforts for themselves and their families.
In addition
, most
newly
employed workers tend to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for long hours than others to reach the target which
is set
by their employers in order to secure their job. They
are worried
that if they fail to reach their goal, they can
be replaced
by more competent
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

Along with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
sides, there are
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
aspects of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, extensive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
hours can lead to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
and fatigue.
As a result
of this,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
performance drop and it has a huge effect on their way to success.
For example
, after a long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
day almost no one
is interested
in continuing to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
at home,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
everyone needs a rest.
Furthermore
, due to overload of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and odd
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
hours,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not give time to their family.
Consequently
, arguments may arise between partners in creating trouble in their relationship.

To summarize
, it is evident that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to achieve their career goals and earn more money.
However
, in my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
, neglecting one's health and family is never a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
worth taking.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay 14. 09. 2017 Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
270 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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