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The progress of certain diseases during childhood between 1950 and 2000 in developing country

The progress of certain diseases during childhood between 1950 and 2000 in developing country 6aRxl
The provided is a bar chart illustrating how much these diseases have increased or decreased during childhood over a fifty-year period from 1950-2000. It lucid that the number of Tuberculosis decreased over the years, so malaria remained almost unchanged. Happily, quantity of smallpox completely disappeared by 1970, but AIDS commenced to spread instead. Turning the details, the number of tuberculosis patients was over 8000, then started to decline steadly, dropping to almost 6000 in 1980, but it had commerced to rise again by 2000. So, a quantity of cases of malaria reduced slightly between the 1950s and 1960s, but then continued to fluctuate by 2000. Thus, the number of patients with smallpox was approximately 2600 in 1950 and progressively went down until 1970 and dematerialized altogether between 1970 and 1980, but AIDS emerged instead of smalpox and began to spread dramatically, then it peaked up in 2000.
The provided is a bar chart illustrating how much these diseases have increased or decreased during childhood over a fifty-year period from 1950-2000.
It seems that a verb is missing after "It". Please verify.
It
lucid that the number of Tuberculosis decreased over the years,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
malaria remained almost unchanged.
Happily
, quantity of smallpox completely disappeared by 1970,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
AIDS commenced to spread
instead
. Turning the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
, the number of tuberculosis patients was over 8000, then
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to decline
Possible spelling mistake found.
steadly
, dropping to almost 6000 in 1980,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it had
Possible spelling mistake found.
commerced
to rise again by 2000.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, a quantity of cases of malaria
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
slightly
between the 1950s and 1960s,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
then continued to fluctuate by 2000.
Thus
, the number of patients with smallpox was approximately 2600 in 1950 and
progressively
went down until 1970 and dematerialized altogether between 1970 and 1980,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
AIDS emerged
instead
of
Possible spelling mistake found.
smalpox
and began to spread
dramatically
, then it peaked up in 2000.
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IELTS academic The progress of certain diseases during childhood between 1950 and 2000 in developing country

Academic
  American English
1 paragraphs
147 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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