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The pie chart provides information with the sales of online shopping

The pie chart provides information with the sales of online shopping gWgKd
The pie chart gives information about the sales of online shopping. Overall, it is clear that, travel was the biggest proportion in 2003. in 2013, it did not retain its dominance. In that year, film and music made up the biggest proportion. Firstly, in 2013, travel was dominant, accounting for 36 per cent. During the next decade, it decreased considerably and made up around less than a third. In comparison with travel, film and music comparised a smaller percentage, accounting for 21 per cent in 2003. Between 2003 and 2013, it increased enormously and retained its dominance. Secondly, clothes comprised an average percentage in the first pie, accounting for approximately a quarter. From 2003 to 2013, there was a significant change in clothes. The second pie chart showed that it made up the smallest proportion. The smallest persentage in the first pie belonged to books, accounting for 19 per cent. But over the next decade, it increased significantly and comprised 22 per cent.
The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pie
chart gives information about the sales of online shopping.
Overall
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that, travel was the biggest proportion in 2003.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
in
2013, it did not retain its dominance. In that year, film and music made up the biggest proportion.
Firstly
, in 2013, travel was dominant,
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accounting
for 36 per cent. During the
next
decade, it decreased
considerably
and made up around less than a third.
In comparison
with travel, film and music
Possible spelling mistake found.
comparised
a smaller percentage,
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accounting
for 21 per cent in 2003. Between 2003 and 2013, it increased
enormously
and retained its dominance.
Secondly
, clothes comprised an average percentage in the
first
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pie
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
accounting
for approximately a quarter. From 2003 to 2013, there was a significant
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
in clothes. The second
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pie
chart
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that it made up the smallest proportion. The smallest
Possible spelling mistake found.
persentage
in the
first
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pie
belonged to books,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
accounting
for 19 per cent.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
over the
next
decade, it increased
significantly
and comprised 22 per cent.

IELTS academic The pie chart provides information with the sales of online shopping

Academic
  American English
1 paragraphs
163 words
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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