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the graph below shows the demand for electricity in England during typical days in winter and summer

the graph below shows the demand for electricity in England during typical days in winter and summer YLwjN
The line graph shows the demand for electricity typical days in England. The pie chart delineates information about what electrical appliances spend most electricity. Seen together the figures suggest a link between the demand for electricity and how electricity is used. The demand for electricity of typical days in winter peaked at over 40000 units of electricity in around 21 hours, reached another high point in roughly 3hours before falling sharply. The average English home uses electricity in winter, which is Heating rooms and heating water. It accounts for half of all statistical results. The demand for electricity of typical days in summer peaked at roughly 20000 units of electricity in around 14 hours and the second high point is about 24 hours. The amount of electricity account for 17. 5% is ovens, kettles, and washing machines, the other percentages of electricity in an average English home at 15% is shared by both categories, namely lighting, TV, radio, Vacuum cleaners, food mixers, electric tools.
The line graph
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shows
the
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demand
for
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electricity
typical days in England. The pie chart delineates information about what electrical appliances spend most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electricity
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Seen
together the figures suggest a link between the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
demand
for
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electricity
and how
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electricity
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
.

The
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demand
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electricity
of typical days in winter peaked at over 40000 units of
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electricity
in around 21
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hours
, reached another high point in roughly
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3hours
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
falling
sharply
. The average English home
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
uses
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electricity
in winter, which is Heating rooms and heating water. It accounts for half of all statistical results.

The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
demand
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electricity
of typical days in summer peaked at roughly 20000 units of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electricity
in around 14
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
and the
When a number forms part of an adjectival compound, use a hyphen: "second-high"
second high
point is about 24
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
. The amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electricity
account for 17. 5% is ovens, kettles, and washing machines, the other percentages of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electricity
in an average English home at 15%
is shared
by both categories,
namely
lighting, TV, radio, Vacuum cleaners, food mixers, electric tools.
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IELTS academic the graph below shows the demand for electricity in England during typical days in winter and summer

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
164 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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