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The diagram illustrates how bees produce honey

The diagram illustrates how bees produce honey aXjP
The diagram shows the process that is hidden in hive — how bees produce honey. Overall, the entire cycle is containing seven stages, starting out with gathering nectar and ending with water evaporation from it and transformation into honey. This can be obviously seen, that bees can not produce a honey without a hive and first of all, bees needs to find a field that contain in itself f lot of flowers. Than bees are gathering nectar on their paws and is important to highlight that this ambrosia needs to be distributed equally between all cells in the entire hive. Furthermore, bees are blowing off an air by their wings on the cells to start another process of water evaporating. After all water has been evaporated, beekeeper can take some of this honey or if this hive is in the wildlife, bees will eat this honey at winter.
The diagram
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
the process that
is hidden
in hive — how bees produce honey.
Overall
, the entire cycle
The verb 'containing' is a stative verb and sometimes the progressive form is not correct. Try a simple form instead.
is containing
seven stages, starting out with gathering nectar and ending with water evaporation from it and transformation into honey.

This can be
obviously
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
, that bees can not produce a honey without a hive and
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
first of all
, bees needs to find a field that contain in itself f lot of flowers.
Did you mean "Then"?
Than
bees are gathering nectar on their paws and is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to highlight that this ambrosia needs to
be distributed
equally
between all cells in the entire hive.
Furthermore
, bees are blowing off an air by their wings on the cells to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
another process of water evaporating.
After all
water has
been evaporated
, beekeeper can take
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of this honey or if this hive is in the wildlife, bees will eat this honey at winter.
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IELTS academic The diagram illustrates how bees produce honey

Academic
  American English
2 paragraphs
148 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
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