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the chart show further education in men and women

the chart show further education in men and women o6lyD
The graph illustrate how many women and men attended in higher education including part-time and full time in Britain over the years consist of 1970, 1980 and 1990. As can be seen the number of part time students were by far more than full time ones in both genders. In terms of full time studies, there were a surge trends from around 100 in 1970 to merely above 200 in 1990 in males and females during years mentioned. On the other hand, by contrast with full time of further learning, there are numerous participant of two sexes in the Part-time schedules so that the males experienced a fluctuation trends with around 800 thousand pupils over the period shown whereas the number of female went up dramatically from just under 800 in 1970 thousand to almost 1200 in 1990. Overall, it is clear that the educational level of women changed more than men displaying there were a rise awareness among females from 1970 to 1990.
The graph illustrate how
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
women and
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men
attended in higher education including part-time and
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full
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time
in Britain over the years consist of 1970, 1980 and 1990.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
can be
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seen
the number of part
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time
students were by far more than
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full
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time
ones in both genders.

In terms of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
full
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
studies, there were a surge trends from around 100 in 1970 to
merely
above 200 in 1990 in males and females during years mentioned.

On the other hand
, by contrast with
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full
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
of
further
learning, there are numerous
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "participants"?
participant
of two sexes in the Part-time schedules
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so
that the males experienced a fluctuation trends with around 800 thousand pupils over the period shown whereas the number of female went up
dramatically
from
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just
under 800 in 1970 thousand to almost 1200 in 1990.

Overall
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that the educational level of women
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
more than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
displaying there were a rise awareness among females from 1970 to 1990.
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IELTS academic the chart show further education in men and women

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
164 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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