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The chart below shows the amount of leisure time enjoyed by men and women of different employment status. Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown below. Leisure time in a typical week in hour- by sex and employment status, 1998-99.

The chart below shows the amount of leisure time enjoyed by men and women of different employment status. Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown below. Leisure time in a typical week in hour- by sex and employment status, 1998-99. g5Y77
The chart illustrate the data of total spent of leisure time used for entertainment for male and female of the five different employment category. Overall, it is clear that Unemployment and retired people uses highest no of time for fun activity. However, Part time male employed and male housewives not using their leisure time for their enjoyment. Parallel, generally male seems spending higher times in respect to female. According to the chart, unemployed male spending their free time ever highest than other with 85 hours in week, while retired male spent slight lower with 83 hours per week. Female contribute in both category with almost similar slight lower than 80 hours in week. Conversely, it is strange that part time employed male and male housewives not spending their free time for their self-enjoyment. Meanwhile Female spent in both category 40hrs and 50 hours per week respectively. Furthermore, Employed male use their 45 hours per week and female employed uses 38 hours per week for their enjoyment.
The chart
Possible agreement error - use third-person verb forms for singular and mass nouns: "illustrates".
illustrate
the data of total spent of leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for entertainment for male and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
of the five
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
employment category.

Overall
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that Unemployment and retired
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
uses
A determiner is probably missing here: "the highest".
highest
Did you mean "now" (=at this moment) instead of 'no' (negation)?
no
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for fun activity.
However
, Part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
male
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employed
and male housewives not using their leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for their enjoyment. Parallel,
generally
male seems spending higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
in respect to female.

According to the chart, unemployed male spending their free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
ever
Use "higher" to make a comparison with this adjective.
highest
than other with 85
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
week
, while retired male spent slight lower with 83
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
per
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
week
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Female
contribute in both category with almost similar slight lower than 80
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
in week.

Conversely
, it is strange that part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employed
male and male housewives not spending their free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for their self-enjoyment.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Meanwhile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Female
spent in both category 40hrs and 50
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
per
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
week
respectively
.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Employed
male
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their 45
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
per
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
week
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employed
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
uses
38
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
per
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
week
for their enjoyment.

IELTS academic The chart below shows the amount of leisure time enjoyed by men and women of different employment status. Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown below. Leisure time in a typical week in hour- by sex and employment status, 1998-99.

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
166 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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