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The chart below show the water usage in the US and the rest of the world in 2010.

The chart below show the water usage in the US and the rest of the world in 2010. 7r8oA
The two graphs compare and contrast data on the diffirences in the amount of water used for agriculture, industry and residential in America and the rest of the world in the year 2010. Overall, it is clear that in the US the proportion of residential is the highest among the three water consumption mentioned. In contrast, the greatest figure in the rest of the world is the usage of agriculture. Looking at the data on America in more detail, the usage of residential accounts for the largest share of the total water used in this area at 60 percent. Besides, the figures for industry and agriculture are significantly lower than that number at 23 and 12 percent in the order given. Considering the data on the rest of the world, the most popular purpose for using water is agriculture when the percentage of it makes up merely a seven in ten of the amount of water consumption ( 69 percent). In addition, the figure for industry takes up considerably smaller share, at 23 percent. While the proportion of residential is only 8 percent over 2010.
The two graphs compare and contrast data on the
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diffirences
in the amount of
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water
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for agriculture, industry and
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residential
in America and the rest of the world in the year 2010.

Overall
, it is
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clear
that in the US the proportion of
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residential
is the highest among the three
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water
consumption mentioned.
In contrast
, the greatest figure in the rest of the world is the usage of agriculture.

Looking at the data on America in more detail, the usage of
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residential
accounts for the largest share of the total
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water
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in this area at 60
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percent
.
Besides
, the figures for industry and agriculture are
significantly
lower than that number at 23 and 12
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percent
in the order
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
.

Considering the data on the rest of the world, the most popular purpose for using
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water
is agriculture when the percentage of it
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makes
up
merely
a seven in ten of the amount of
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water
consumption
Don't put a space after the opening parenthesis
(
69
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percent)
.
In addition
, the figure for industry takes up
considerably
smaller share, at 23
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percent
.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
the proportion of
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residential
is
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only
8
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percent
over 2010.
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IELTS academic The chart below show the water usage in the US and the rest of the world in 2010.

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
185 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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