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pie chart describes the expenditure in two countries

pie chart describes the expenditure in two countries bEXP3
The bar chart provided shows the amount of expenditure of Malaysian and Japanese people on housing, transport, food, healthcare and other goods and services. Overall, the most money consuming spheres are housing in Malaysia and other goods and services in Japan, whereas the least money in both countries is spent on healthcare. Turning into details, about one third part of all costs the Malaysian spent on housing (34%), whereas the Japanese pay the most money (29%) for other goods and services. In contrast, Malaysian people spend equal portion of their budget ( about one forth) on food and other items compared to Japanese people spending over one fifth on meals and home respectively. Transportation makes up one fifth of all expenditure in Japan, whilst in Malaysia the figure indicates exactly the half of it (10%). The least costly area in both countries is healthcare, 6 and 3 percent in Japan and Malaysia respectively.
The bar chart provided
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
the amount of expenditure of Malaysian and Japanese
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
on housing, transport, food, healthcare and
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other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
and services.

Overall
, the most money consuming spheres are housing in Malaysia and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
and services in Japan, whereas the least money in both countries
is spent
on healthcare.

Turning into
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
, about one third part of all costs the Malaysian spent on housing (34%), whereas the Japanese pay the most money (29%) for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
and services.
In contrast
, Malaysian
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
spend equal portion of their budget
Don't put a space after the opening parenthesis
(
about one forth) on food and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
items compared to Japanese
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
spending over one fifth on meals and home
respectively
.

Transportation
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
up one fifth of all expenditure in Japan, whilst in Malaysia the figure indicates exactly the half of it (10%). The least costly area in both countries is healthcare, 6 and 3 percent in Japan and Malaysia
respectively
.

IELTS academic pie chart describes the expenditure in two countries

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
153 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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  • Meet the criteria
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