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Physical activity of male and female

Physical activity of male and female yNgxg
The data populated in the bar chart illustrates the rate of exercising and physical involvement in daily activities of male and female in Australia from different set of age groups in the year 2010. Overall, Comparing with other set of male groups, The millennials are quite dominative in this category, and the least if from the mid-aged men, that is from the age 35 to 44. Meanwhile, the aged female groups holds highest record by 0. 5 percent greater than millennials males. Firstly, when we delve deeply in to male section starting from young to old, As it is mentioned earlier that young adult are top at it. And there is gradual dip of rate more than 10 percent in the age from 25 to 44, it is then followed by 35 to 44 aged group people, whose percent is 2. 7 inferior to well grown adult. However, the trends climb to 43. 1 rate in 45 to 54 aged male, Eventually, further aged group inclines slightly up to 46. 7. Secondly, In female the percentage of young adult is 47. 7, then it is soared up to 53. 3 ratio in the age between 45 and 54. And there is slight fall by 0. 3 rate in 55 to 64 aged female. Furthermore, elderly female subsided to 47. 1 percent rate.
The data populated in the bar chart illustrates the
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rate
of exercising and physical involvement in daily activities of male and
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female
in Australia

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from
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different
set of
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age
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groups
in the year 2010.

Overall
, Comparing with other set of male
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groups
, The millennials are quite
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dominative
in this category, and the least if from the mid-aged
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men
,

that is
from the
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age
35 to 44. Meanwhile, the
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aged
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female
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groups
holds
A determiner is probably missing here: "the highest".
highest
record by 0. 5
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percent
greater than millennials males.

Firstly
, when we delve
deeply
in to male section starting from young to
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old
, As it
is mentioned
earlier that young adult are top at it. And there is
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gradual


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dip
of
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rate
more than 10
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percent
in the
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age
from 25 to 44, it is then followed by 35 to 44
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aged
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group
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, whose
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percent
is 2. 7 inferior to well grown adult.

However
, the trends climb to 43. 1
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rate
in 45 to 54
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aged
male,
Eventually
,
further
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aged
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group
inclines
slightly
up to 46. 7.

Secondly
, In
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female
the percentage of young adult is 47. 7, then it
is soared
up to 53. 3
Possible agreement error. The noun 'ratio' seems to be countable, so consider using: "ratios".
ratio
in the
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age
between 45 and 54. And there is slight fall by 0. 3 rate

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in
55 to 64
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aged
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female
.
Furthermore
, elderly
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female
subsided to 47. 1
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percent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
.
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IELTS academic Physical activity of male and female

Academic
  American English
9 paragraphs
222 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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