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Percentage of Australian Women and men who work out

Percentage of Australian Women and men who work out AjEk1
The chart illustrates the data of males and females who work out regularly in 2010 in Australia. Overall, the figures of females were higher than that of males in most cases, whereas only the percentage of people whose ages are between 15 to 24 was different. A more detailed look (HOORAY! ) shows that there were 52. 8% of male teenagers work out regularly, and it was about 5% higher than the figure of females in the same ages. From 25 years old to 44 years old, the percentages of men rapidly decreased to 39. 5% and the figures climbed back to 45. 1% in the age groups between 45 to 64. Unlike the first age stage, the percentage of men were lower than women from 25 years old to 64 years old. Followed by this, the figure of men and women who were 65 years old and older were almost the same around 47%. Regarding the figure of women, the percentage of those who were between 15 years old and 24 years old was 47. 7%, and then the figures kept increasing while the age of females who took the survey becoming older. Females who were between 45 years old and 54 years old have the highest percentage than all other age groups and the figure of men in the same ages was 10% lower than women. In the next age groups, the figure kept decreasing and finally reached the bottom as 47. 1% between 65 years old and over.
The chart illustrates the data of males and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
work out
regularly
in 2010 in Australia.
Overall
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
figures
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
were higher than that of males
in most cases
, whereas
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the
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percentage
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
whose
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ages
are
Use "between" + "and" not "to." Try this: "between 15 and 24".
between 15 to 24
was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
.

A more detailed look (HOORAY!
Loose punctuation mark.
)
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that there were 52. 8% of male
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
work out
regularly
, and it was about 5% higher than the
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figure
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
in the same
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ages
. From 25 years
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old
to 44 years
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old
, the
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percentages
of
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men
rapidly
decreased to 39. 5% and the
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figures
climbed back to 45. 1% in the
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age
groups
Use "between" + "and" not "to." Try this: "between 45 and 64".
between 45 to 64
. Unlike the
first
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age
stage, the
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percentage
of
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men
were lower than
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women
from 25 years
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old
to 64 years
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
. Followed by this, the
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figure
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
were 65 years
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old
and older were almost the same around 47%.

Regarding the
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figure
of
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women
, the
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percentage
of those
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who
were between 15 years
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old
and 24 years
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old
was 47. 7%, and then the
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figures
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
kept
increasing while the
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age
of
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females
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
took the survey becoming older.
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Females
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
were between 45 years
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old
and 54 years
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
have the highest
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percentage
than all other
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age
groups and the
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figure
of
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men
in the same
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ages
was 10% lower than
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women
. In the
next
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age
groups, the
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figure
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
kept
decreasing and
finally
reached the bottom as 47. 1% between 65 years
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
and over.
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IELTS academic Percentage of Australian Women and men who work out

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
251 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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