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Men and Women living in proverty divided

Men and Women living in proverty divided x05ly
The given diagram compares the percentage of men and women living in poverty divided in 10 different ages groups in the US in 2008. The diagram is showing that the highest rates of men and women are under the age of 5, 20% and 21% respectively. After that, both the rates went down but the rates of proverty in females were still higher than males. At the mid ages, the poverty in men slowly decreased to over 5% at 55-59 and a little bit increased about 9%. Once again the rates went down at over 65 ages. For women, the lowest rate was only between the ages of 45-54 at about 9%. Although the poverty in men gradually diminished, the poverty in women raised again at over 60 ages, especially 75-up. Over all, the highest rates of poverty for men and women were under the age of 24 and however, females had more rates than men at all ages.
The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
diagram compares the percentage of
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men
and
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women
living in
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poverty
divided in 10
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
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ages
groups in the US in 2008.

The diagram is showing that the highest
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rates
of
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men
and
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women
are under the
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age
of 5, 20% and 21%
respectively
. After that, both the
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rates
went down
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the
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rates
of
Possible spelling mistake found.
proverty
in females were
still
higher than males. At the mid
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ages
, the
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poverty
in
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men
slowly
decreased to over 5% at 55-59 and a
Reduce redundancy by using "little" or "bit".
little bit
increased about 9%.
“Once” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Once
again the
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rates
went down at over 65
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ages
. For
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women
, the lowest
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rate
was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
between the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ages
of 45-54 at about 9%. Although the
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poverty
in
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men
gradually
diminished, the
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poverty
in
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women
raised again at over 60
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ages
,
especially
75-up.

Over all, the highest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rates
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poverty
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
were under the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of 24 and
however
, females had more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rates
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
at all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ages
.

IELTS academic Men and Women living in proverty divided

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
159 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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