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Describing two graphs about computer ownership between the years 2002 and 2005

Describing two graphs about computer ownership between the years 2002 and 2005 l7x6D
The first graph represents the growth of computer ownership over a period of 8 years. The figures show a steady increase of computer ownership so that in 2002 less than 60% had computers but in 2010 almost 80% of population had the advantage of using thier own computers. The data provided by the second graph shows the average rise of computer ownership in different educational levels for the years 2002 and 2010. The most significant changes are the ones corresponded with high school graduate and college students. In 2002 around 30% of graduated had a computer but in 2010 this number increases by almost 70%. Similarly the number of computer ownership in colleges students experiences the same growth of approximately 30% in 7 years. The rise of bachelor and postgraduate students however remained rather stable; for there is only a growth of 15% or less amongst these groups which is probably due to the fact that owning a pc plays a vital role in achieving their educational goals and it has proved to be of a great help for their causes.
The
first
graph represents the growth of computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ownership
over a period of 8 years. The figures
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
a steady increase of computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ownership
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that in 2002 less than 60% had computers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in 2010 almost 80% of population had the advantage of using
Possible spelling mistake found.
thier
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
computers.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
The
data provided by the second graph
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
the average rise of computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ownership
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
educational levels for the years 2002 and 2010.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
The
most significant
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
are the ones corresponded with high school graduate and college students. In 2002 around 30% of graduated had a computer
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in 2010 this number increases by almost 70%.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Similarly
the number of computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ownership
in colleges students experiences the same growth of approximately 30% in 7 years. The rise of bachelor and postgraduate students
however
remained
rather
stable; for there is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a growth of 15% or less amongst these groups which is
probably
due to the fact that owning a
Possible spelling mistake found.
pc
plays a vital role in achieving their educational goals and it has proved to be of a great
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
for their causes.

IELTS academic Describing two graphs about computer ownership between the years 2002 and 2005

Academic
  American English
1 paragraphs
181 words
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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