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Compression of people in their country

Compression of people in their country AgkXL
The line graph represents the comparison of people in three countries who used the internet from 1999 till 2009. It is evident that the proportion of the population who used the internet increased in each country over the period. Overall, a much larger percentage of Canadians and Americans had access to the internet in comparison with Mexicans and Canada experienced the rapid growth in internet usage. In 1999, the fifth portion of US citizens were internet surfers. wherein, the figures for Canada and Mexico were mere at only 10% and 5 % respectively. On the other hand in 2005, internet usage for both the USA and Canada was significantly rose to about 70% of the population, while the figure for Mexico was just reached a quarter. By 2009, the ratio of internet patrons was highest in Canada. Almost every Canadian had used the internet, compared to about four-fifths of Americans and two-fifths of Mexicans.
The line graph represents the comparison of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in three countries who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
the internet
Nonstandard phrase. Did you mean: "from 1999 to 2009"?
from 1999 till 2009
.

It is evident that the proportion of the population who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
the internet increased in each country over the period.
Overall
, a much larger percentage of Canadians and Americans had access to the internet
in comparison
with Mexicans and Canada experienced the rapid growth in internet usage.

In 1999, the fifth portion of US citizens were internet surfers.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
wherein
, the figures for Canada and Mexico were mere at
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
10% and 5 %
respectively
.
On the other hand
in 2005, internet usage for both the USA and Canada was
significantly
Consider using a past participle here: "risen".
rose
to about 70% of the population, while the figure for Mexico was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
reached a quarter.

By 2009, the ratio of internet patrons was highest in Canada. Almost every Canadian had
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
the internet, compared to about four-fifths of Americans and two-fifths of Mexicans.
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IELTS academic Compression of people in their country

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
154 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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