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Cinema visits of abc and xyz over years

Cinema visits of abc and xyz over years 2R216
The table and have demonstrated the percentage of visitors going to the cinema and their frequency between 1994 and 2002, while the line graph illustrated how many visits were made according to age group It is clear that the attendance have increased while the quantity of visits have fall rapidly over year. Additionally, all the age group witnessed inconsistency in their figures, and 14 to 24 years olds were the most frequent cinema visitor. At first, the attendance rate have increased from 67% in 1994 to 72% in and remains stable form 1196 to 2002 years, despite a slightly fall of 2% in 1998. Meanwhile, the frequency rates was prone to go up from 10. 7 to 11. 3 between 1994 and 1998 before became fluctuated at the rate of 8. 4 in the period of 1998 and 2002. The movie theater visits of all group experienced an upward trend between 1994 and 1996, after which this rate sharply fell from 1996 to 1998. The youngest group visited the cinema the most, meanwhile the people aged from 35-45 had the lowest rate. After the rapidly fell in 1998, the figure showed a slightly increased on the contrary the most frequently visitor still belong to the youngest group with about 10 times.
The table and have demonstrated the percentage of visitors going to the cinema and their frequency between 1994 and 2002, while the line graph illustrated how
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
visits
were made
according to age group

It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that the attendance have increased while the quantity of visits have fall
rapidly
over year.
Additionally
, all the age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
witnessed inconsistency in their figures, and 14 to 24 years olds were the most frequent cinema visitor.

At
first
, the attendance
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
have increased from 67% in 1994 to 72% in and remains stable form 1196 to 2002 years, despite a
You used an adverb ('slightly') instead of an adjective, or a noun ('fall') instead of another adjective.
slightly fall
of 2% in 1998. Meanwhile, the frequency
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rates
was prone to go up from 10. 7 to 11. 3 between 1994 and 1998
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
became fluctuated at the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
of 8. 4 in the period of 1998 and 2002.

The movie theater visits of all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
experienced an upward trend between 1994 and 1996, after which this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
sharply
fell from 1996 to 1998. The youngest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
visited the cinema the most, meanwhile the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
aged from 35-45 had the lowest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
. After the
rapidly
fell in 1998, the figure
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
a
slightly
increased
on the contrary
the most
frequently
visitor
still
belong to the youngest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
with about 10 times.

IELTS academic Cinema visits of abc and xyz over years

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
211 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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