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Bar chat regarding the people preferred to eat at fast food restaurant for the year 2010

Bar chat regarding the people preferred to eat at fast food restaurant for the year 2010 GyPg
The bar chart represents the rate at which people in USA consumed fast food for a decade from 2003-2013. Overall, the chart was divided in to three years as 2003, 2006, 2013. the population of people consumed fast food once in a week is comparatively higher than other categories where as those who consumed once or twice in a month in 2013 raised as same as those who consumed once a week in the year of 2006. Only small population preferred to ate fast food everyday which is lower than those who never consumed the fast food for the ten years. Most of the people ate fast food once in a week with peak rate of 33% in 2006, 31% in 2003 and 28% in 2013. Next to this, people who consumed one times or two times in a month came in an order with 30% in the starting year and gradually declined to 25% in 2006 and then inclined to 33% in 2013. People who preferred to ate fast food for many times a week was decreased to 16% in 2013 with an increase of 20% in 2006. In case of the situation when people went to fast food restaurants few times a year had 13% at 2003 and raised to 15% and remained same for both 2006 and 2013. The percentage for those who consumed on regular basis and those who never want to ate fast food was not increased more than 5%. By comparing population of people who ate fast food daily with those who never ate fast food the rate of former is lower that the latter group with 5% of people in 2003 and 4% for both 2006 and 2013.
The bar chart represents the rate at which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
A determiner is probably missing here: "in the USA".
in USA
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consumed
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fast
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food
for a decade from 2003-2013.
Overall
, the chart
was divided
Did you mean "into" (or 'in two')?
in to
three years as 2003, 2006, 2013.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
the
population of
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people
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consumed
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fast
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food
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once
in a
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week
is
comparatively
higher than other categories
Did you mean "whereas"?
where as
those
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who
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consumed
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once
or twice in a month in 2013 raised as same as those
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who
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consumed
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once
a
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week
in the
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year
of 2006.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Only
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
population preferred to
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ate
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fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
'Everyday' is an adjective. Did you mean "every day"?
everyday
which is lower than those
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who
never
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consumed
the
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fast
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food
for the ten years. Most of the
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people
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ate
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fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
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once
in a
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week
with peak rate of 33% in 2006, 31% in 2003 and 28% in 2013.
Next
to this,
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people
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who
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consumed
one
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times
or two
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times
in a month came in an order with 30% in the starting
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year
and
gradually
declined to 25% in 2006 and then inclined to 33% in 2013.
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People
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who
preferred to
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ate
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fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
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times
a
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week
was decreased
to 16% in 2013 with an increase of 20% in 2006. In case of the situation when
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people
went to
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fast
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food
restaurants few
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times
a
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year
had 13% at 2003 and raised to 15% and remained same for both 2006 and 2013. The percentage for those
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who
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consumed
on regular basis and those
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who
never want to
Did you mean "eat"?
ate
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fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
was not increased more than 5%. By comparing population of
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people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
daily with those
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who
never
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ate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
the rate of former is lower that the latter group with 5% of
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people
in 2003 and 4% for both 2006 and 2013.
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IELTS academic Bar chat regarding the people preferred to eat at fast food restaurant for the year 2010

Academic
  American English
1 paragraphs
285 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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