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Some people feel that entertainers (e. g. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. Do you agree or disagree? v.7

Some people feel that entertainers (e. g. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. v. 7
In today’s era, celebrities get handsome remuneration for their work. It is argued that famous personalities get higher packages compared to others working for the same hours. This essay agrees with the argument that the celebrities are indeed getting higher pays and will outline the reason why stars are getting a big pay check. There are several reasons to support my view. Firstly, stars need money to handle their stardom. They need to hire private bodyguards and other safety equipment. It is not possible for them to go out in public as people rush to catch a glimpse of their favourite celebrity. Secondly, bigwigs sacrifice a lot as they often travel abroad for their work commitments and rarely get time to spend with their family. A good example of this is Indian cricket team players who spend 7-8 months playing in other countries. As a result, they are compensated by giving them higher wages. Moreover, the working life of these stars is not much. They usually retire at the age of 35-36. The bigwigs need money to spend past their retirement as they often do not get work in other fields. To secure their future, they demand fat pay checks. A good example of this is soccer players whose average career last only for a few years. Needless to say, they require money to live a comfortable lifestyle post-retirement. To conclude, after analysing the various aspects of the argument, it is not hard to see that famous personalities need bigger salaries.
In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s era, celebrities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
handsome remuneration for their work. It
is argued
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
personalities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
higher packages compared to others working for the same hours. This essay
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agrees
with the argument that the celebrities are
indeed
getting higher pays and will outline the reason why stars are getting a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
pay
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
check
.

There are several reasons to support my view.
Firstly
, stars
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
money to handle their stardom. They
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to hire private bodyguards and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
safety equipment. It is not possible for them to go out in public as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
rush to catch a glimpse of their
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
celebrity.
Secondly
, bigwigs sacrifice a lot as they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
travel abroad for their work commitments and rarely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
time to spend with their family. A
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
example of this is Indian cricket team players who spend 7-8 months playing in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
countries.
As a result
, they
are compensated
by giving them higher wages.

Moreover
, the working life of these stars is not much. They
usually
retire at the age of 35-36. The bigwigs
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
money to spend past their retirement as they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
work in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
fields. To secure their future, they demand
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
pay
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
checks
. A
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
example of this is soccer players whose average career last
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
for a few years. Needless to say, they require money to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a comfortable lifestyle post-retirement.

To conclude
, after
Possible spelling mistake. 'analysing' is British English.
analysing
the various aspects of the argument, it is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
personalities
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
bigger salaries.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people feel that entertainers (e. g. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. v. 7

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
251 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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