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Some people feel that entertainers (e. g. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. v.21

Some people feel that entertainers (e. g. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. v. 21
There is no denying that entertainers like film actors, pop musicians and sports stars are paid too much money. I really do agree with this statement. However, some people think, there are several jobs that should be highly paid as well. In this essay, before presenting my point of view I would like to discuss the job culture. Nowadays there is news about the celebrities who are earning more money through their profession like acting, singing, dancing and sports etc. some of the celebrities like sportsmen and actors are earning extra money through advertising and becoming brand ambassadors of the particular brand. There is no any difference in work like sweeping, machining, teaching and in medicine, every work required effort and the reason for earning money for the sake of survival. A person becomes an actor because he likes that profession the same way singer, doctor, designer and scientist. But some people are unfortunate to get a proper education or because of laziness or because of lack of scope they sacrifice their dream and doing some different work which society considers it as a low-level work. I think no work is small or big, every work requires effort and passion. We should respect one another and we should practice equality. My mother always says us “Big or small, there is no such kind of difference and it is only made by us”. In conclusion, I do not think any work is big or small, it is the difference created by us and I think now the time has come to stop differentiating people through their work and everybody should be paid equally for their work.
There is no denying that entertainers like film actors, pop musicians and sports stars
are paid
too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. I
really
do
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
, there are several jobs that should be
highly
paid
as well
. In this essay,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
presenting my point of view I would like to discuss the job culture.

Nowadays there is news about the celebrities who are earning more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
through their profession like acting, singing, dancing and sports etc.
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
celebrities like sportsmen and actors are earning extra
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
through advertising and becoming brand ambassadors of the particular brand. There is
Did you mean "now" (=at this moment) instead of 'no' (negation)?
no
any difference in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
like sweeping, machining, teaching and in medicine, every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
required effort and the reason for earning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for the sake of survival.

A person becomes an actor
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
he likes that profession the same way singer, doctor, designer and scientist.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are unfortunate to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a proper education or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of laziness or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of lack of scope they sacrifice their dream and doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
which society considers it as a low-level
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
, every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
requires effort and passion. We should respect one another and we should practice equality. My mother always says us “
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Big
or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
, there is no such kind of difference and it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
made by us”.

In conclusion
, I do not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
, it is the difference created by us and I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
the time has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
differentiating
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
through their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and everybody should
be paid
equally
for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people feel that entertainers (e. g. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. v. 21

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
275 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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