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Some people feel that entertainers (e. g. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. v.19

Some people feel that entertainers (e. g. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. v. 19
I strongly agree with the notion that entertainers, today, are paid an excessive amount of money. In current times, science and technology have taken major strides for the betterment of our society. Our focus should be on facilitating such endeavours rather than on entertainment. I believe all the biological scientists like pharmacists, biochemists, microbiologists etc. in our society should be paid more than the people in the entertainment business. These people or as we dub them ‘nerds’ spend valuable hours in their lives in discovering a new molecule that might be used to make our lives better. Their goal is to discover novel ideas and to create innovative techniques. Thus, rather than spending their time with their families or an evening in the theatre, they immerse themselves in their laboratories working night after night too, maybe, discover a new drug. For such sacrifices, these scientists should get their due remuneration. However, a discrepancy can be seen in our society. We tend to value people in the entertainment business more than the scientists who might be working on the Ebola virus vaccine. I do not devalue the hard work by an actor or a football player. They had to reach their stardom after endless practice sessions and failures. However, if we make an objective comparison, at the end of the day, it is the work of a microbiologist or a biochemist that helps us to live a healthy and disease-free life. So, our money should be spent on those individuals who strive to bring about a healthier and comfortable society.
I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the notion that entertainers,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
,
are paid
an excessive amount of money. In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
times, science and technology have taken major strides for the betterment of our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
. Our focus should be on facilitating such
Possible spelling mistake. 'endeavours' is British English.
endeavours
rather
than on entertainment.

I believe all the biological scientists like pharmacists, biochemists, microbiologists etc. in our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
should
be paid
more than the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in the entertainment business. These
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
or as we dub them ‘nerds’ spend valuable hours in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
in discovering a new molecule that might be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
better. Their goal is to discover novel
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
and to create innovative techniques.
Thus
,
rather
than spending their time with their families or an evening in the
Possible spelling mistake. 'theatre' is British English.
theatre
, they immerse themselves in their laboratories working night after night too, maybe, discover a new drug. For such sacrifices, these scientists should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
their due remuneration.
However
, a discrepancy can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
. We tend to value
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in the entertainment business more than the scientists who might be working on the Ebola virus vaccine.

I do not devalue the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work by an actor or a football player. They had to reach their stardom after endless practice sessions and failures.
However
, if we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
an objective comparison, at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the day, it is the work of a microbiologist or a biochemist that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
us to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a healthy and disease-free life.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, our money should
be spent
on those individuals who strive to bring about a healthier and comfortable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
4Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people feel that entertainers (e. g. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. v. 19

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
259 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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