Do you want to improve your writing? Try our new evaluation service and get detailed feedback.
Check Your Text it's free

Some people feel that entertainers (e. g. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. v.17

Some people feel that entertainers (e. g. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. v. 17
In the past, the field of entertainment was not developed and hence, people from this field were paid very less. However, with the improvement in the technology, the income of the celebrities increased to a greater extent. I personally believe that these people are gaining money in excess. In this essay, we will analyse the reasons for this and also discuss the professions which deserve such high income. To begin with, celebrities such as actors, musicians and sports person are been paid based upon their fame among the people. A good illustration for this is the Bollywood actor Shahrukh Khan who is said to be charging money in crores for signing a single film. In other words, he is been paid such a huge amount just with the hope that film will run successfully. But, it is also true that the society will not be harmed even in the absence of such films and actors. Instead, I feel that people working in the industry with the aim of the well-being of the society should be offered such pay. For instance, doctors or security personnel’s should be paid good amount because they always help the people of the country by protecting them. Moreover, they invest a lot of money and the time for obtaining their degrees and once they receive the degree, they oath to be available for the people at any time of the day. Hence, it is apparent that jobs that focus on safeguarding the people should be heavily paid. In conclusion, it is seen that paying huge amounts to the famous personalities is equivalent to wasting the resources which can be utilised in a better way. Instead, this amount should be paid to the people in life-saving professions such as doctors or police officers. It is thus hoped that government will regulate the salaries of the people based upon their important and role played in the society.
In the past, the field of entertainment was not developed and
hence
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from this field were
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
less.
However
, with the improvement in the technology, the income of the celebrities increased to a greater extent. I
personally
believe that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are gaining money in excess. In this essay, we will
Possible spelling mistake. 'analyse' is British English.
analyse
the reasons for this and
also
discuss the professions which deserve such high income.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, celebrities such as actors, musicians and sports person
are been
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
based upon their fame among the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. A
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
illustration for this is the Bollywood actor
Possible spelling mistake found.
Shahrukh
Khan who
is said
to be charging money in crores for signing a single film.
In other words
, he
is been
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
such a huge
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
amount
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
with the hope that film will run
successfully
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, it is
also
true that the society will not
be harmed
even in the absence of such films and actors.

Instead
, I feel that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
working in the industry with the aim of the well-being of the society should
be offered
such pay.
For instance
, doctors or security personnel’s should be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
amount
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they always
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of the country by protecting them.
Moreover
, they invest
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
money and the time for obtaining their degrees and once they receive the degree,
Do not use a noun immediately after the pronoun 'they'. Use a verb or an adverb, or possibly some other part of speech.
they oath
to be available for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
at any time of the day.
Hence
, it is apparent that jobs that focus on safeguarding the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should be
heavily
paid.

In conclusion
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that paying huge
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
amounts
to the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
personalities is equivalent to wasting the resources which can be
Possible spelling mistake. 'utilised' is British English.
utilised
in a better way.
Instead
, this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
amount
should be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in life-saving professions such as doctors or police officers. It is
thus
hoped that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
will regulate the salaries of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
based upon their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
and role played in the society.
16Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people feel that entertainers (e. g. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. v. 17

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
319 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
Similar posts


Recent posts