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Some people feel that entertainers (e. g. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. v.15

Some people feel that entertainers (e. g. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. v. 15
It is certainly true that people in glamour industry as well as sports persons, get a very high remuneration. However, I opine that occupations such as teachers, scientists, social activists, etc. must be paid a large amount as well. There are myriad reasons to support this argument. Firstly, high endorsements to famous personalities would discourage the common people and they may develop negative thoughts about less paid jobs. This creates a deterring effect on society. Secondly, youngsters become imaginatively affected and sometimes may be carried away from their actual goals. However, entertainers also face certain vexes; one among them is they can work for a limited age only (about 30-35 years) and they get retired earlier. Therefore it becomes essential for them to secure their further future for which money is required. On the other hand, if we consider less paid jobs, for instance, the people in teaching field play a vital role because they lay down the foundation for children and in turn produce skill full citizens of a country. Moreover, Scientists indulge their valuable time in various discoveries and inventions to provide comfort to mankind. Furthermore, social workers bring awareness in the society which helps a country to develop. Owing to the above reasons, it is clear that people in the above-mentioned fields are important for a common man and a society. Hence they must be highly paid. In the conclusion, I believe that the jobs that deal with the betterment of denizens should not be ignored and they must be paid more so as to inculcate an interest in people to opt such fields.
It is
certainly
true that
people
in glamour industry
as well
as sports persons,
get
a
very
high remuneration.
However
, I opine that occupations such as teachers, scientists, social activists, etc.
must
be
paid
a large amount
as well
.

There are myriad reasons to support this argument.
Firstly
, high endorsements to
famous
personalities would discourage the common
people and
they may develop
negative
thoughts about less
paid
jobs. This creates a deterring effect on society.
Secondly
, youngsters become
imaginatively
affected
and
sometimes
may
be carried
away from their actual goals.
However
, entertainers
also
face certain vexes; one among them is they can work for a limited age
only
(about 30-35 years) and they
get
retired earlier.
Therefore
it becomes essential for them to secure their
further
future for which money
is required
.

On the other hand
, if we consider less
paid
jobs,
for instance
, the
people
in teaching field play a vital role
because
they lay down the foundation for children and in turn produce
skill
full citizens of a country.
Moreover
, Scientists indulge their valuable time in various discoveries and inventions to provide comfort to mankind.
Furthermore
, social workers bring awareness in the society which
helps
a country to develop. Owing to the above reasons, it is
clear
that
people
in the above-mentioned fields are
important
for a common
man
and a society.
Hence
they
must
be
highly
paid.

In the conclusion, I believe that the jobs that deal with the betterment of denizens should not be
ignored and
they
must
be
paid
more
so as to
inculcate an interest in
people
to opt such fields.
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
To have another language is to possess a second soul.
Charlemagne

IELTS essay Some people feel that entertainers (e. g. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. v. 15

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
267 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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