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People after retirement often require financial assistance. Should the government be responsible for this or should the individuals make provisions for themselves? Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

People after retirement often require financial assistance. Should the government be responsible for this or should the individuals make provisions for themselves? r8nmL
It is a known fact that retired individuals need some monetary support to maintain and sustain their lives. Some people are of the opinion that the financial responsibility should be the duty of the authority while others are of the view that the persons concerned should bear the burden. Personally, I think both the authority and the people involved should play their part and this essay will examine both viewpoints and give a plausible conclusion. To begin with, when employees are in active service, they should take the necessary steps to secure their future. Firstly, they have to ensure that they have an active pension fund which can be doing my putting some money anytime they get their salary. Employers also have a role to play by making contributions to employee pension accounts. For instance, if a person starts working at the age of 20 and retires at 60, they would have saved up enough money for retirement and would also be able to maintain their life without depending on others. Nevertheless, the government can also contribute to this cause by ensuring that older people get some benefits. First of all, the authorities can ensure that seniors get discounts on bus passes or transportation within the state and they can also ensure that medical checks are subsidized. For example, bus passes can be half price for people who have retired. Secondly, the authority can also ensure that the pension fund of the seniors is tax-free. To sum it up, employees need to ensure that they take the right steps in securing their future and make adequate plans, although the government has a significant role in ensuring retirees live comfortably.
It is a known fact that retired individuals need
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
monetary support to maintain and sustain their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are of the opinion that the financial responsibility should be the duty of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
authority
while others are of the view that the persons concerned should bear the burden.
Personally
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
both the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
authority
and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
involved should play their part and this essay will examine both viewpoints and give a plausible conclusion.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, when employees are in active service, they should take the necessary steps to secure their future.
Firstly
, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ensure
that they have an active pension fund which can be doing my putting
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
money anytime they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
their salary. Employers
also
have a role to play by making contributions to employee pension accounts.
For instance
, if a person
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
starts
working at the age of 20 and retires at 60, they would have saved up
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
money for retirement and would
also
be able to maintain their life without depending on others.

Nevertheless
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
can
also
contribute to this cause by ensuring that older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
benefits.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
authorities
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ensure
that seniors
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
discounts on bus passes or transportation within the
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
state and
they can
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ensure
that medical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
checks
are subsidized
.
For example
, bus passes can be half price for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who have retired.
Secondly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
authority
can
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ensure
that the pension fund of the seniors is tax-free.

To sum it up, employees need to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ensure
that they take the right steps in securing their future and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
adequate plans, although the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
has a significant role in ensuring retirees
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
comfortably
.
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IELTS essay People after retirement often require financial assistance. Should the government be responsible for this or should the individuals make provisions for themselves?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
279 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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