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Describe a journey you made where you learned something new

Describe a journey you made where you learned something new kYgrO
I had a trip to Da Lat with my classmates in three days last year on the summeroccasion. The trip was started at 9 am, we travelled by plane. I felt so happy becauseI believed that I would have a good time with my friends. We arrived in Da Lat at 11 am. We had lunch, and then prepared for the camp-fire at night. In the afternoon, we climbed the Langbiang mountain and took many pictures. We stood in a circle-around the camp-fire, and had a lot of activities with ethnic minority people such as: performing dances, singing, drinking wine, etc. The second day, we visited the church. We took some pictures together andbought some souvenirs. In the last day, we came to the Golden Valley. At the end of the trip, we felt this place was wonderful and exciting and had lots of beautiful scenery and wonderful natural scenery. After the trip I learned that there are many places to explore and enjoy life better because life is very short so people have to thoroughly enjoy not to waste life. (
I had a
trip
to
Da
Lat with my classmates in three days last year on the
summeroccasion
. The
trip
was
started
at 9 am, we travelled by
plane
. I felt
so
happy
becauseI
believed that I would have a
good
time with my friends. We arrived in
Da
Lat at 11 am. We had lunch, and then prepared for the camp-fire at night. In the afternoon, we climbed the
Langbiang
mountain and took
many
pictures. We stood in a circle-around the camp-fire, and had
a lot of
activities with ethnic minority
people
such as: performing dances, singing, drinking wine, etc. The second day, we visited the church. We took
some
pictures together
andbought
some
souvenirs. In the last day, we came to the Golden Valley. At the
end
of the
trip
, we felt this place was wonderful and exciting and had lots of
beautiful
scenery and wonderful natural scenery. After the
trip
I learned that there are
many
places to explore and enjoy life better
because
life is
very
short
so
people
have to
thoroughly
enjoy not to waste life.
(
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IELTS essay Describe a journey you made where you learned something new

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
181 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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