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The bar chart shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010. Write a report. v.2

The bar chart shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010. Write a report. v. 2
The bar chart shows the proportion of people in Australia that partook in regular exercise grouped according to gender in the year 2010. Overall, it can seen that there were more females that were involved in regular physical exercise than males in 2010. In the female category, the 45-54, 55-64 and 35-44 years age group had the highest number that participated in the regular exercise during the year 2010 with 53. 3%, 53%, 52. 5% respectively. The lowest among the women those that were in the 15-24 years and 65 and over ages which had 47. 7% and 47. 1% respectively. On the other hand, for males, the youngest and the oldest of all age categories had the largest proportion of participants in physical activity with 52. 8% and 47. 7% respectively. The 35 to 44 years age group had the lowest percentage of men that partook in exercise and it had just below two fifths of people that exercised in 2010.
The bar chart
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
the proportion of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in Australia that partook in regular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
grouped according to gender in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
2010.

Overall
, it can
Did you mean "see" or "be seen"?
seen
that there were more females that
were involved
in regular physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
than males in 2010.

In the female category, the 45-54, 55-64 and 35-44 years
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
group had the highest number that participated in the regular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
during the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
2010 with 53. 3%, 53%, 52. 5%
respectively
. The lowest among the women those that were in the 15-24 years and 65 and over
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ages
which had 47. 7% and 47. 1%
respectively
.

On the other hand
, for males, the youngest and the oldest of all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
categories had the largest proportion of participants in physical activity with 52. 8% and 47. 7%
respectively
. The 35 to 44 years
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
group had the lowest percentage of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
that partook in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
and it had
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
below two fifths of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
that exercised in 2010.
2Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
10Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay The bar chart shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010. Write a report. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
162 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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