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The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age group who did regular physical activity in 2010 v.2

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age group who did regular physical activity in 2010 v. 2
How many Australian people (in percentages), male and female, did a common physical activity split by age group during 2010 is illustrated by the diagram. It is immediately apparent that Australian women showed their relative superiority over Australian men in the percentage of those who carried on physical activity in 2010. In addition, not only did the figure for Australian men witness a descending trend but Australian women experienced the same pattern as well. Regarding Australian men did physical activity in 2010, it is clearly seen that there was a decline between 15 to 24 group and over 65 group. This was started at 52. 8 -the greatest proportion of Australian men figure-, witnessing a significant drop to 39. 5 for 35 to 44 group and then rose to 46. 7 in the oldest data, which had a smaller percentage than the youngest ones. Turning to Australian women, they took physical activity less than men in the first group (15 to 24), which accounted at 47. 7. The period, however, saw a noticeable growth for the number of taking physical activity at 53 in 55 to 64 group before tailing off 47. 1 -a larger percentage than men held on the oldest group in this statistical data.
How
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
Australian
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
(in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentages)
, male and female, did a common
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
split by age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
during 2010
is illustrated
by the diagram. It is immediately apparent that Australian women
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
their relative superiority over Australian
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
of those who carried on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
in 2010.
In addition
, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
did the figure for Australian
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
witness a descending trend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
Australian women experienced the same pattern
as well
.

Regarding Australian
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
did
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
in 2010, it is
clearly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that there was a decline
Use "between" + "and" not "to." Try this: "between 15 and 24".
between 15 to 24
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
and over 65
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
. This was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
at 52. 8 -the
A determiner is probably missing here: "the greatest".
greatest
proportion of Australian
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
figure-, witnessing a significant drop to 39. 5 for 35 to 44
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
and then rose to 46. 7 in the oldest data, which had a smaller
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
than the youngest ones.

Turning to Australian women, they took
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
less than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
in the
first
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
(15 to 24), which accounted at 47. 7. The period,
however
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
a noticeable growth for the number of taking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
at 53 in 55 to 64
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
tailing off 47. 1 -a larger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
held on the oldest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
in this statistical data.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
27Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age group who did regular physical activity in 2010 v. 2

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
207 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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