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Change in employment by sector in the UK

Change in employment by sector in the UK lLbXQ
The bar chart illustrates how many people were employed in four major industry sectors from 1910 till 2010. Overall, the services industry experienced the fastest growth and by the end of the period employed more people than the other three sectors combined. In contrast, fewer people worked in agriculture, energy and construction, and manufacturing in 2010 than in 1910. The services sector demonstrated a strong upward trend throughout the period. As a result, it had become the largest employer by 1930 with just over 10 million workers and had exceeded the 20 million mark by 2010. Manufacturing, which was the dominant industry at the beginning of the period, continued to grow until 1950 when it peaked at approximately eight million people employed before falling into decline
The bar chart illustrates how
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many
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people
were employed
in four major industry sectors
Nonstandard phrase. Did you mean: "from 1910 to 2010"?
from 1910 till 2010
.
Overall
, the
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "services'" or "service's"?
services
industry experienced the fastest growth and by the
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end
of the period employed more
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people
than the other three sectors combined.
In contrast
, fewer
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people
worked in agriculture, energy and construction, and manufacturing in 2010 than in 1910. The services sector demonstrated a strong upward trend throughout the period.
As a result
, it had become the largest employer by 1930 with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
over 10 million workers and had exceeded the 20 million mark by 2010. Manufacturing, which was the dominant industry at the beginning of the period, continued to grow until 1950 when it peaked at approximately eight million
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
employed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
falling into decline

IELTS academic Change in employment by sector in the UK

Academic
  American English
1 paragraphs
125 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
4.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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