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Nowadays people are affected by social media and internet. Is it a good or bad trend in your opinion? Explain it by giving your own examples. v.2

Nowadays people are affected by social media and internet. Is it a good or bad trend in your opinion? Explain it by giving your own examples. v. 2
There is no doubt that these days, people's lives has shrunken into the world wide web. Therefore, some people believe that the internet and social media have greatly influenced the folks. In my opinion, this has more negative impact and, I will discuss about it in the essay. First of all, the social media has affected youngsters more than that of adults. The reason is that they devote their maximum time in posting stuffs and updating status on social media. For example, Instagram is a social networking platform where the number of followers access an individual's popularity, and to increase their followers, teenagers start showing off their lives on the social networking sites. Besides younger generation, adults are also sweeping over with the charm of web applications, especially WhatsApp. Another important effect is that individuals are living more virtual life these days. In other words, they have a lot of online friends, but no real relations due to which they suffer from depression. To illustrate, a recent study revealed that younger adults aged 18-25 have the highest prevalence of any mental illness compared to the adults aged 26-49 and the reason is the use of social media. Moreover, family members are also no longer attached, and despite talking to each other, they remain busy on their mobile phones. Thus, healths are deteriorating; relations are destroying, and at the end of the day, everyone feels alone. In conclusion, it can be confidently stated that although the internet and social networking sites have brought the world closer, these sources have more negative impacts. I believe that these are not only destroying the life of kids but also damaging for our relations and becoming the reason behind various mental illnesses.
There is no doubt that these days,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
has shrunken into the
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
world wide web
.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that the internet and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
have
greatly
influenced the folks. In my opinion, this has more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact and, I will
Did you mean simply "discuss it"? You do not need the word "about" here.
discuss about it
in the essay.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
youngsters more than that of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
. The reason is that they devote their maximum time in posting stuffs and updating status on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
.
For example
, Instagram is a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
networking platform where the number of followers access an individual's popularity, and to increase their followers,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
showing off their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
networking sites.
Besides
younger generation,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
are
also
sweeping over with the charm of web applications,
especially
WhatsApp.

Another
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
effect is that individuals are living more virtual life these days.
In other words
, they have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
online friends,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
no real relations due to which they suffer from depression. To illustrate, a recent study revealed that younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
aged 18-25 have the highest prevalence of any mental illness compared to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
aged 26-49 and the reason is the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
.
Moreover
, family members are
also
no longer attached, and despite talking to each other, they remain busy on their mobile phones.
Thus
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
healths
are deteriorating; relations are destroying, and at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the day, everyone feels alone.

In conclusion
, it can be
confidently
stated that although the internet and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
networking sites have brought the world closer, these sources have more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts. I believe that these are not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
destroying the life of kids
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
damaging for our relations and becoming the reason behind various mental illnesses.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Nowadays people are affected by social media and internet. Is it a good or bad trend in your opinion? Explain it by giving your own examples. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
287 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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