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Some people say young people should be encouraged to leave their family when they become adults while some argue they should live for a longer time with their family. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.1

Some people say young people should be encouraged to leave their family when they become adults while some argue they should live for a longer time with their family. v. 1
Although it is thought that young adults ought to stay independently from their family, other people believe they need to live much longer with their relatives even when they are matured. In my opinion, adults need not be allowed to stay with their families so that they can learn important life skills. Apparently, many individuals think young persons need not stay with families, the moment they are mature adults, so that they can be more responsible and better decision makers and I agree. In order words, when a mature individual is made to live separately from the family, he tries to secure a paying job to survive, which he uses to cater for his bills such as feeding, shelter, clothing and also pay taxes to the government. In addition, they tend to decide on issues that affect critical aspects of their lives better, which otherwise would have been done by family members. Consequently, this would not only integrate them into the society properly but also be better citizens. Nevertheless, it is sometimes thought that boys and girls who have attained the stage of maturity need to continue staying with their relatives so as to guide them in decision making processes and provide basic life amenities. To begin with, grown ups are faced with a plethora of challenges in the society nowadays. In addition, these problems range from the ability to make concrete decisions to securing good paying jobs which can provide foods, shelter and a host of other fundamental needs. To illustrate, a survey by the adult group magazine, states that 60% of young adults find it difficult to secure decent jobs quickly and to make good decisions. Furthermore, proper guidance and providing them with basic needs when they stay with their families could make this set of people live better. To conclude, while many mature persons are seen staying with relatives, I am of the opinion to make them stay on their own so that they can face challenges in the society in turn making them better people.
Although it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
ought to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stay
The usual collocation for "independently" is "of" not "from". Did you mean "independently of"?
independently from
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
, other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
much longer with their relatives even when they
are matured
. In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
not be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stay
with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
life
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.

Apparently
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
individuals
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
young persons
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stay
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
, the moment they are mature
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can be more responsible and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decision
makers and I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
. In order words, when a mature individual
is made
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
separately
from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
, he tries to secure a paying job to survive, which he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
uses
to cater for his bills such as feeding, shelter, clothing and
also
pay taxes to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
.
In addition
, they tend to decide on issues that affect critical aspects of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
, which
otherwise
would have
been done
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members.
Consequently
, this would not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
integrate them into the society
properly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
citizens.

Nevertheless
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that boys and girls who have attained the stage of maturity
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to continue staying with their relatives
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
guide them in
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
decision making
processes and provide basic life amenities. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
grown ups
are faced
with a plethora of challenges in the society nowadays.
In addition
, these problems range from the ability to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
concrete
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decisions
to securing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
paying jobs which can provide foods, shelter and a host of other fundamental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
. To illustrate, a survey by the adult group magazine, states that 60% of young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
find it difficult to secure decent jobs
quickly
and to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decisions
.
Furthermore
, proper guidance and providing them with basic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
when they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stay
with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
could
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
this set of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
better.

To conclude
, while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
mature persons are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
staying with relatives, I am of the opinion to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
them
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stay
on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can face challenges in the society in turn making them
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
37Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people say young people should be encouraged to leave their family when they become adults while some argue they should live for a longer time with their family. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
339 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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