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The line graphs below show the production and demand for steel in million tonnes and the number of workers employed in the steel industry in the UK in 2010. v.1

The line graphs below show the production and demand for steel in million tonnes and the number of workers employed in the steel industry in the UK in 2010. v. 1
The first line graph compares the steel production and the demand in the UK in 2010 while the second one reveals the employee number in the industry in the same year. Overall, the production of steel was higher throughout the year than that of the demand except in December and the highest number of employees was employed in this industry at the beginning of the year. According to the first graph, the UK produced 4000 million tonnes steel in January 2010 and at that time the demand was exactly half of that. After the first quarter, the production and needs for steel remained almost the same. At the end of the second quarter, August, the UK’s steel production stool at just over 3 thousand million tonnes against a million tonnes less demand. From January to November, the production was higher than the demand and the gap between these two was on average a million tonne. However, the scenario shifted dramatically at the end of the year. From September to November, the steel production plummeted and so did the demand. In December, the demand for steel exceeded the total production. The second line graph reveals that 5 million employees worked in the steel industry and this number dropped to two million less in April. From that time onward, the employee number showed some fluctuations and in August, the UK steel sector employed around 3. 5 million workers. This number continuously dropped throughout the rest of the year and declined to 1 million in December.
The
first
line graph compares the
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steel
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production
and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
demand
in the UK in 2010 while the second one reveals the
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employee
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number
in the industry in the same
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year
.
Overall
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
production
of
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steel
was higher throughout the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
than that of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
demand
except in December and the highest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
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employees
was employed
in this industry at the beginning of the year.

According to the
first
graph, the UK produced 4000
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million
tonnes
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steel
in January 2010 and at that time the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
demand
was exactly half of that. After the
first
quarter, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
production
and needs for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
steel
remained almost the same. At the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the second quarter, August, the UK’s
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steel
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production
stool at
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
over 3 thousand
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million
tonnes against a
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million
tonnes less
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demand
. From January to November, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
production
was higher than the
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demand
and the gap between
The verb 'was' is singular. Did you mean the plural (are or were)?
these two was
on average a
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million
tonne.
However
, the scenario shifted
dramatically
at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
. From September to November, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
steel
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
production
plummeted and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
did the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
demand
. In December, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
demand
for
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steel
exceeded the total production.

The second line graph reveals that 5
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million
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employees
worked in the
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steel
industry and this
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number
dropped to two
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million
less in April. From that time onward, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employee
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
fluctuations and in August, the UK
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steel
sector employed around 3. 5
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million
workers. This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
continuously
dropped throughout the rest of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
and declined to 1
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
million
in December.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
43Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
Knowledge of languages is the doorway to wisdom.
Roger Bacon

IELTS academic The line graphs below show the production and demand for steel in million tonnes and the number of workers employed in the steel industry in the UK in 2010. v. 1

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
253 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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